I'm seriously feeling very lost now. The presentation is tmr morning , but everything is still not settled by now and I don't even know about the progress . It's 8.05pm now and I haven't even received the final powerpoint slides. I don't even know which part I'm going to present on .
I seriously don't know am I the one who is being too anxious about things or my group mates just enjoy doing things slowly .
Thursday, July 28, 2011
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Continuous
I haven't completed my 4 days story for my trip back to Malaysia, but I'm getting a little bit lazy , cos there's a lot of things for me to write . I think I will probably continue when I get too bored of studying for exam during the study break , or after exam .
Exams are nearing .. I haven't been very consistent in doing my tutorials , need to spend some time looking at the past tutorials and study and study and study .
I want to improve my overall GPA again . My goal for now is to enter local uni, find a job, make a lot of money , build a big house in Malaysia for my parents and grandmother , and bring them overseas for holidays XD
So ambitious right
Exams are nearing .. I haven't been very consistent in doing my tutorials , need to spend some time looking at the past tutorials and study and study and study .
I want to improve my overall GPA again . My goal for now is to enter local uni, find a job, make a lot of money , build a big house in Malaysia for my parents and grandmother , and bring them overseas for holidays XD
So ambitious right
Thursday, July 21, 2011
I didn't know that changing bedsheets can make me feel like crying
I finally changed my bedsheets after telling myself to do that few days ago .
When I was halfway through changing my bedsheets , I suddenly thought of my aunt .
She used to be the one who helped my sis and I change our bedsheets once every 2 weeks . She did that ever since we were young right until last year , when she went back Malaysia to treat her illness . When I was tying the strings at the ends of my bolster cases , I remembered that she was the one who taught me how to tie them up . She taught me that when I was helping her to change the bedsheets when I was young .
I still couldn't really get use to the fact that she's no longer alive ..
When I was halfway through changing my bedsheets , I suddenly thought of my aunt .
She used to be the one who helped my sis and I change our bedsheets once every 2 weeks . She did that ever since we were young right until last year , when she went back Malaysia to treat her illness . When I was tying the strings at the ends of my bolster cases , I remembered that she was the one who taught me how to tie them up . She taught me that when I was helping her to change the bedsheets when I was young .
I still couldn't really get use to the fact that she's no longer alive ..
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
1st official day of funeral
30 June 2011, Thursday
I woke up at about 11am . My mum and bro were still asleep , and my dad was missing in action . After I went to brush up , my mum and bro woke up too and we went to eat breakfast together . As there was no mode of transport available , we have to walk to the coffee shop right at the front of the street , but when we reached there , the coffee shop was already preparing to close . This is what it is like in Malaysia , only 早起的鸟儿又虫吃 。
The lucky thing was that , we saw our relative who was driving a car and she's on the way to my aunt's house too . That saved us from walking all the way to my aunt's house under the scorching sun . By the time we reached , many of my relatives were already there and as for me , I sat down and ate sea coconut dessert . Not long after , my dad and his siblings came back . They went to take a look and chose a place for my aunt's urn to be placed . They reserved 2 places . One was for my aunt , the other is for Ah Fa's uncle . That was my aunt's last few wishes , for Ah Fa's uncle urn to be placed beside hers in the future .
After lunch , I continued burning incense paper for quite awhile until my cousin came back from school . My bro and I have this agreement: to bluff my cousins and told them we started burning since 8 am so that they won't have any excuse to push the job back to us . Oh well , in the end my sis spoiled it .
At 3 pm , we have to change to a plain white tee to prepared for the ritual and at about 5 pm , the ritual started . At first , I was wearing a pants which covers up to my knees when I'm standing , my after the 1 part of the ritual , I went to borrow a 3 quarter pants from my cousin and wore it instead . The pants I was wearing initially didn't cover up my knees when I kneed down , and it hurts a lot . The ritual was divided into many small parts , and after each part , we could take a rest before the next one started .
The 2nd part of the ritual was after we ate our dinner . The priests read/sang out the names of who took part in the ritual in Hakka . There were a lot of names to read/sang and I couldn't understand up to 99% of it . We were supposed to sit down and wait till the priests finished reading/singing the names . It was boring at first , until the priests stopped suddenly , TRYING TO FIGURE OUT HOW TO READ ONE OF THE NAMES . The situation at that time was quite a joke . Those who took part in the ritual were relatives and siblings with status equal to or younger than lue lue aunt . Those whom status were older or greater than lue lue aunt could not take part , for example: lue lue aunt's elder brother and sisters .
After the 2nd part , I couldn't really remember some of the parts . I could only remember the significant ones .
There was one part when we were supposed to tie a red and white ribbons around our waists . They called it “戴孝” When we were in the process of tying those ribbons , the priest said called ah fa uncle to tie it on the dogs too . After ah fa uncle went off to tie the ribbons on the dogs , my 表哥 posed a funny question "那些鸡需不需要绑？" .
I heard from my cousins that one of the priest even called the chicken to "shut up" because the chicken kept on making a lot of noise when he was chanting .
For one of the parts , one of the priests wore an old man mask and acted like an old man . The role he was acting is called the "哭宝" That part was also one of the longest part . The 哭宝 was walking in front of the priest and the priest was chanting , but halfway through the priest stopped to cough and the rest of the priests actually helped to cover by continuing his lines for him . However , the fact was that the priest wasn't really coughing . He coughed to cover up his laughter . My cousin actually saw the priest kicking the 哭宝's backside and was laughing after that . Most of us couldn't see what was happening as they were behind a huge table .
Next, we have to run after a priest and the 哭宝 . I heard from my mum that they would run very fast and we would chase until we start panting . However , as they were too many people taking in the ritual , and quite a few aunties uncles blocking the way , it seemed like the priest and the 哭宝 were chasing after me instead . They were right behind me in a circle . I heard that the purpose of chasing was to chase after my aunt's soul .
I forgot to mention that my aunt was only 46 years old , and one of her last wishes were for her funeral to be treated as if she had married to Ah Fa uncle . So at the corridor , there were this 2 big signs which put “蘆门李氏” . "蘆" is Ah Fa uncle's surname and 李 was my aunt's surname .
After chasing , it was the "哭宝" turn to show off his ability . He was supposed to chant in a way that it seemed like he was crying . For that part , my aunts and some other people cried because they were able to understand what he was chanting . My cousins , siblings and I didn't really understand what he was chanting , so we were feeling very normal . I knew this part was going to happen also because my 婶婶 told me . My mum told me that we might find it funny . Initially , I only found it weird , but not funny . Suddenly , my bro tapped me on my shoulder and asked me to look at my 婶婶 . She was laughing . After I saw her laughing , I felt like laughing too , but I tried to suppress it .
We went to find out the meaning the next day from another older cousin of mine .
It meant something like
你为什么那么早就走了，你应该还有20多年的。你的姐姐很想你。
That was all I could remember .
Before the 哭宝 part ended , each of us was to collect one cup of rice with 20sen inside it . We were supposed to keep the 20sen and bring the rice back home to mix it with the rest of the rice we have at home , and eat it .
Another very memorable part was "招魂" . We were supposed to call lue lue aunt to come home , then the priest would throw a bunch of coins on to the floor to see if she came back or not . This part almost made me cried . It was the first time I was calling lue lue aunt's name after her death . As I was supposed to call , and tried to hold back my tears at the same time , I ended up breaking a sentence into many parts . This was how I call, "luelue 姑姑，" paused for quite a while , "回家咯" and kept on repeating .. Cuiling aunt was spamming "Luelue 回家咯" beside me . We've called many times but she still refused to come home , even the priests were shaking their heads . On the 3rd time , they got my grandmother to sit beside . I didn't dare to look at her cos I knew that she was crying . It was the fourth time when we succeeded in calling her back .
During the breaks , my cousins , siblings and I would sit around one table . The waiter & waitress would serve us food such as bao and siew mai . After eating bao and siew mai , we would start munching on peanuts and throughout the whole ritual , we have finished munching on many packets of peanuts . Even the waitress commented that we really munched on a lot of peanuts . Sitting together means chatting would take place , however we were chatting about serious stuff , but dirty stuff . ALL BECAUSE OF MY COUSIN . It seemed like for every thing we talked abt , she would be able to link it to those dirty topics , but it was super funny . For a moment , I thought that we were having a gathering instead of attending funeral .
Burning of the incense papers , paper bungalow , mercedes benz , maids and chauffeur was the last 2nd part of the ritual . We brought all those stuff to the main road and burned there . I carried 2 bags of folded incense paper , while the rest carried the bungalow , mercedes benz , maids , chauffeur , horse and rider and many many bags of folded incense paper . The mercedez benz was the last to reach and it was kinda funny when the priest said that to park the car at the backyard . The backyard referred to the back of the bungalow . (There were car plate number and unit number on the car and bungalow , and of cos , almost all of the adults bet on it)
We poured all the folded incense paper around the bungalow , car and etc so that it would burn easily . After we were done setting up , all of us hold hands and formed a very big circle . The priest said that that was to prevent other ghosts from stealing . Before they started burning the whole thing , the priest had to "开光" for the Mohammed Ali . "Mohammed Ali" refers to the paper chauffeur . I have no idea why they called chauffeur "Mohammed Ali".
This was what he chanted when he "开光" for the Mohammed Ali
"你要听听话话，听你主人婆的话。叫你去东，你不要去西，叫你去南你不要去北。青灯过，红灯不要过。是要过，中summon 自己还。不然打包回家吃自己"
*Direct translation from Hakka*
We were laughing when we heard this . What an interesting way to "开光" . After the priest 开光, they started burning . We walked quite a far distance away from the big fire as the heat was unbearable . After burning , we went back to the house , and continued the last part of the ritual . It was about 2 am at that time .
For the last part of the ritual , one of the priest will chant a chunk of words and up to a point , we must shout "有钱!" and threw a coin into a big container with water in it . I've asked my dad what was the purpose of it and he said it was to help my aunt "开路" . Sort of bribe the "officials" in hell to ensure a smooth journey for her . We were supposed to repeat the whole procedure 12 times . That means , the priest chanted the same thing for 12 consecutive times .
I woke up at about 11am . My mum and bro were still asleep , and my dad was missing in action . After I went to brush up , my mum and bro woke up too and we went to eat breakfast together . As there was no mode of transport available , we have to walk to the coffee shop right at the front of the street , but when we reached there , the coffee shop was already preparing to close . This is what it is like in Malaysia , only 早起的鸟儿又虫吃 。
The lucky thing was that , we saw our relative who was driving a car and she's on the way to my aunt's house too . That saved us from walking all the way to my aunt's house under the scorching sun . By the time we reached , many of my relatives were already there and as for me , I sat down and ate sea coconut dessert . Not long after , my dad and his siblings came back . They went to take a look and chose a place for my aunt's urn to be placed . They reserved 2 places . One was for my aunt , the other is for Ah Fa's uncle . That was my aunt's last few wishes , for Ah Fa's uncle urn to be placed beside hers in the future .
After lunch , I continued burning incense paper for quite awhile until my cousin came back from school . My bro and I have this agreement: to bluff my cousins and told them we started burning since 8 am so that they won't have any excuse to push the job back to us . Oh well , in the end my sis spoiled it .
At 3 pm , we have to change to a plain white tee to prepared for the ritual and at about 5 pm , the ritual started . At first , I was wearing a pants which covers up to my knees when I'm standing , my after the 1 part of the ritual , I went to borrow a 3 quarter pants from my cousin and wore it instead . The pants I was wearing initially didn't cover up my knees when I kneed down , and it hurts a lot . The ritual was divided into many small parts , and after each part , we could take a rest before the next one started .
The 2nd part of the ritual was after we ate our dinner . The priests read/sang out the names of who took part in the ritual in Hakka . There were a lot of names to read/sang and I couldn't understand up to 99% of it . We were supposed to sit down and wait till the priests finished reading/singing the names . It was boring at first , until the priests stopped suddenly , TRYING TO FIGURE OUT HOW TO READ ONE OF THE NAMES . The situation at that time was quite a joke . Those who took part in the ritual were relatives and siblings with status equal to or younger than lue lue aunt . Those whom status were older or greater than lue lue aunt could not take part , for example: lue lue aunt's elder brother and sisters .
After the 2nd part , I couldn't really remember some of the parts . I could only remember the significant ones .
There was one part when we were supposed to tie a red and white ribbons around our waists . They called it “戴孝” When we were in the process of tying those ribbons , the priest said called ah fa uncle to tie it on the dogs too . After ah fa uncle went off to tie the ribbons on the dogs , my 表哥 posed a funny question "那些鸡需不需要绑？" .
I heard from my cousins that one of the priest even called the chicken to "shut up" because the chicken kept on making a lot of noise when he was chanting .
For one of the parts , one of the priests wore an old man mask and acted like an old man . The role he was acting is called the "哭宝" That part was also one of the longest part . The 哭宝 was walking in front of the priest and the priest was chanting , but halfway through the priest stopped to cough and the rest of the priests actually helped to cover by continuing his lines for him . However , the fact was that the priest wasn't really coughing . He coughed to cover up his laughter . My cousin actually saw the priest kicking the 哭宝's backside and was laughing after that . Most of us couldn't see what was happening as they were behind a huge table .
Next, we have to run after a priest and the 哭宝 . I heard from my mum that they would run very fast and we would chase until we start panting . However , as they were too many people taking in the ritual , and quite a few aunties uncles blocking the way , it seemed like the priest and the 哭宝 were chasing after me instead . They were right behind me in a circle . I heard that the purpose of chasing was to chase after my aunt's soul .
I forgot to mention that my aunt was only 46 years old , and one of her last wishes were for her funeral to be treated as if she had married to Ah Fa uncle . So at the corridor , there were this 2 big signs which put “蘆门李氏” . "蘆" is Ah Fa uncle's surname and 李 was my aunt's surname .
After chasing , it was the "哭宝" turn to show off his ability . He was supposed to chant in a way that it seemed like he was crying . For that part , my aunts and some other people cried because they were able to understand what he was chanting . My cousins , siblings and I didn't really understand what he was chanting , so we were feeling very normal . I knew this part was going to happen also because my 婶婶 told me . My mum told me that we might find it funny . Initially , I only found it weird , but not funny . Suddenly , my bro tapped me on my shoulder and asked me to look at my 婶婶 . She was laughing . After I saw her laughing , I felt like laughing too , but I tried to suppress it .
We went to find out the meaning the next day from another older cousin of mine .
It meant something like
你为什么那么早就走了，你应该还有20多年的。你的姐姐很想你。
That was all I could remember .
Before the 哭宝 part ended , each of us was to collect one cup of rice with 20sen inside it . We were supposed to keep the 20sen and bring the rice back home to mix it with the rest of the rice we have at home , and eat it .
Another very memorable part was "招魂" . We were supposed to call lue lue aunt to come home , then the priest would throw a bunch of coins on to the floor to see if she came back or not . This part almost made me cried . It was the first time I was calling lue lue aunt's name after her death . As I was supposed to call , and tried to hold back my tears at the same time , I ended up breaking a sentence into many parts . This was how I call, "luelue 姑姑，" paused for quite a while , "回家咯" and kept on repeating .. Cuiling aunt was spamming "Luelue 回家咯" beside me . We've called many times but she still refused to come home , even the priests were shaking their heads . On the 3rd time , they got my grandmother to sit beside . I didn't dare to look at her cos I knew that she was crying . It was the fourth time when we succeeded in calling her back .
During the breaks , my cousins , siblings and I would sit around one table . The waiter & waitress would serve us food such as bao and siew mai . After eating bao and siew mai , we would start munching on peanuts and throughout the whole ritual , we have finished munching on many packets of peanuts . Even the waitress commented that we really munched on a lot of peanuts . Sitting together means chatting would take place , however we were chatting about serious stuff , but dirty stuff . ALL BECAUSE OF MY COUSIN . It seemed like for every thing we talked abt , she would be able to link it to those dirty topics , but it was super funny . For a moment , I thought that we were having a gathering instead of attending funeral .
Burning of the incense papers , paper bungalow , mercedes benz , maids and chauffeur was the last 2nd part of the ritual . We brought all those stuff to the main road and burned there . I carried 2 bags of folded incense paper , while the rest carried the bungalow , mercedes benz , maids , chauffeur , horse and rider and many many bags of folded incense paper . The mercedez benz was the last to reach and it was kinda funny when the priest said that to park the car at the backyard . The backyard referred to the back of the bungalow . (There were car plate number and unit number on the car and bungalow , and of cos , almost all of the adults bet on it)
We poured all the folded incense paper around the bungalow , car and etc so that it would burn easily . After we were done setting up , all of us hold hands and formed a very big circle . The priest said that that was to prevent other ghosts from stealing . Before they started burning the whole thing , the priest had to "开光" for the Mohammed Ali . "Mohammed Ali" refers to the paper chauffeur . I have no idea why they called chauffeur "Mohammed Ali".
This was what he chanted when he "开光" for the Mohammed Ali
"你要听听话话，听你主人婆的话。叫你去东，你不要去西，叫你去南你不要去北。青灯过，红灯不要过。是要过，中summon 自己还。不然打包回家吃自己"
*Direct translation from Hakka*
We were laughing when we heard this . What an interesting way to "开光" . After the priest 开光, they started burning . We walked quite a far distance away from the big fire as the heat was unbearable . After burning , we went back to the house , and continued the last part of the ritual . It was about 2 am at that time .
For the last part of the ritual , one of the priest will chant a chunk of words and up to a point , we must shout "有钱!" and threw a coin into a big container with water in it . I've asked my dad what was the purpose of it and he said it was to help my aunt "开路" . Sort of bribe the "officials" in hell to ensure a smooth journey for her . We were supposed to repeat the whole procedure 12 times . That means , the priest chanted the same thing for 12 consecutive times .
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
2nd part
29 June 2011
After the adults have finished discussing about the conditions with the funeral planner, it was already around evening time . I kept urging my dad to bring me back to my grandmother's house to bathe . I was the one to urge , but my mum and bro were the ones whom my dad sent back first . In the end , I got my cousin to sent me back and when we were on the way back , we saw my dad and my bro stopping the motorbike at the side of the road , meddling with the motorbike . The bike ran out of petrol . As they needed guys to move the casket, my cousin had to send my bro back first , and I became the suay one , waiting with my dad for help by the roadside . After my cousin came with a bottle of petrol , I successfully got back home to bathe . And after bathing , we went back to my aunt's house .
By the time we got back , the tents were already set up , lue lue aunt was already lying in the coffin , with make-up on her face . The first time I took a look at her , I teared abit , but subsequently , I felt quite immune already .
Soon, they started to brought in the paper bungalow, Mercedes Benz with eternal road tax paid and maids and chauffeur .
For dinner , I just ate egg fried rice cooked by my grandmother and went back to burning of the incense paper .
In the funeral , there's this guy who served us drinks . We called him the "Nescafe 仔" . He is very polite , so my cousins and I have an impression of him . We even paired up one of my cousin with him . So when he came , we would be saying ,"Ah Mun, 你的Nescafe 仔来了” .
Below is a joke conversation between my cousin and the Nescafe 仔.
It happened when we were discussing about whether the candle should be changed as my cousin told me that the Nescafe 仔 said that it's better to change the candle half of it is burned .
cousin: 这个蜡烛需要换了是吗. *More of a reminder than a question*
Nescafe 仔: 最好是换咯。
The joke was that , he was and should be the one who changed the candle .
The other thing was , when the ashes of the incense paper in the clay pot was almost full , I went to told the Nescafe 仔 and he told me to hold on for awhile . But his "awhile" was never . And then when I told my dad abt it , I got an even more brilliant reply . He told me "不会满的" . And "-_-" this was what I was feeling at that time .
Throughout the funeral my grandmother cried and stop , cried and stop . But we were also quite immune to that already , won't cry when she cried .
So the later part of the day my aunt died was , burning of incense paper and go home to sleep after that .
After the adults have finished discussing about the conditions with the funeral planner, it was already around evening time . I kept urging my dad to bring me back to my grandmother's house to bathe . I was the one to urge , but my mum and bro were the ones whom my dad sent back first . In the end , I got my cousin to sent me back and when we were on the way back , we saw my dad and my bro stopping the motorbike at the side of the road , meddling with the motorbike . The bike ran out of petrol . As they needed guys to move the casket, my cousin had to send my bro back first , and I became the suay one , waiting with my dad for help by the roadside . After my cousin came with a bottle of petrol , I successfully got back home to bathe . And after bathing , we went back to my aunt's house .
By the time we got back , the tents were already set up , lue lue aunt was already lying in the coffin , with make-up on her face . The first time I took a look at her , I teared abit , but subsequently , I felt quite immune already .
Soon, they started to brought in the paper bungalow, Mercedes Benz with eternal road tax paid and maids and chauffeur .
For dinner , I just ate egg fried rice cooked by my grandmother and went back to burning of the incense paper .
In the funeral , there's this guy who served us drinks . We called him the "Nescafe 仔" . He is very polite , so my cousins and I have an impression of him . We even paired up one of my cousin with him . So when he came , we would be saying ,"Ah Mun, 你的Nescafe 仔来了” .
Below is a joke conversation between my cousin and the Nescafe 仔.
It happened when we were discussing about whether the candle should be changed as my cousin told me that the Nescafe 仔 said that it's better to change the candle half of it is burned .
cousin: 这个蜡烛需要换了是吗. *More of a reminder than a question*
Nescafe 仔: 最好是换咯。
The joke was that , he was and should be the one who changed the candle .
The other thing was , when the ashes of the incense paper in the clay pot was almost full , I went to told the Nescafe 仔 and he told me to hold on for awhile . But his "awhile" was never . And then when I told my dad abt it , I got an even more brilliant reply . He told me "不会满的" . And "-_-" this was what I was feeling at that time .
Throughout the funeral my grandmother cried and stop , cried and stop . But we were also quite immune to that already , won't cry when she cried .
So the later part of the day my aunt died was , burning of incense paper and go home to sleep after that .
Friday, July 8, 2011
Crying day
28 June 2011 , Tuesday
That day was the only time I had a proper sleep . I was feeling okay until Cuiling aunt sent me a msg during Bcomm lesson at 11.26am
Cuiling Aunt: 你知道吗？你阿姑一直求医生要救她。好心疼，医生跟她说已经尽力了。
刚才？
Me: 她今天怎么样？还好吗？我看医生也真的没有办法了。
Cuiling Aunt: 她的氧气开到最大。她还是很辛苦，你阿婆刚才又打电话来哭。我跟他说尽量去医院看她能看几眼是几眼。她现在抽水都帮不到她了。
Me: 为什么抽水还是很难呼吸？阿婆还是一直不去医院看她？
Cuiling Aunt: 我叫她去，她昨天去一下子就回来了，抽不到水出来了。
When I saw the first msg , it felt like my heart really cramped together . 我也很心疼她, but there's no way I could help her .
Once I reached home after school , my mum told me that lailing aunt called , saying that the doctor could no longer suck out any water from her lungs . From the X-ray scan , it shown that the cancerous cells were blocking her windpipe so only little air could go into her lungs . I listened to my mum as if there was nothing much but it was killing me inside . It was at that time when I fully understand why lue lue aunt begged the doctor to save her . When the doctor could no longer do anything , she decided that she wanted to go home . Not long after I came home , my dad also came home from work , saying that he would be going back to Malaysia tonight . I asked if it was okay for me to go back with him . Initially , it was only my dad , sis and me going back . But after my dad confirmed that luelue aunt's condition was very critical , my dad decided that my whole family should go back . And also initially , Cuiling aunt wanted to go back on Wednesday night but after that , she decided to go back with us . When we were packing our luggage , my dad came into the room and said this
Dad: 阿姑还有散钱放在这里啊？
Sis: 有啊。这个*holding to the coin box*
Dad: 她说如果她走了，叫你们拿来分了它
-----------silent----------------
We went golden mile and took a coach bus back to Malaysia together . Same as the previous time , I didn't get a lot of sleep also .
29 June 2011 , Wednesday
This was the worst day in my life ever . Lailing aunt kept calling Cuiling aunt to ask if we were reaching soon . We reached at abt 5+am and LaiLing aunt came to fetch us to luelue aunt's house to see her . In the journey, lailing aunt told us that lue lue aunt was hungry , but she could not eat as the oxygen mask was irremovable . She relied on it to live . When walking towards the room , I was walking ahead initially . But when I was nearing her room , I turned and looked at the rest of my family members . I was kinda afraid to go in first , but in the end , I was the first to enter .
We stood around her and we called her "阿姑" . She looked very very sick and her eyes were half closed . Once I entered the room , I was trying extremely hard to hold back my tears . She looked very different as compared to the time I saw her few days ago . Much skinnier , much sicker , with an oxygen mask covered over her face . The contrast was too much !
Cuiling aunt sat at a chair by her side , held her hand and talked to her , asking if she's 辛苦，does she has any wishes not fulfil yet and some other stuff which I couldn't hear clearly cos she was crying when she said that . That was also the time when all of us burst out crying . I swear that my sis and bro were super irritating . They kept making that sniffing sound and I was super irritated because it made me felt like crying more . Even my dad was tearing too . At that moment , that kind of heartache was something I've never experience before and it made me felt like dying . I WOULD NEVER WANT TO GO THROUGH THAT ANYMORE . We knew that she was suffering a lot , but when we asked her if she was suffering and was it hurtful, she just shook her head . She couldn't even talk already . The replies she managed to give us were nodding her head , shaking her head and "em" . Although I was crying already , I still tried very hard to control myself , to shake away all those thoughts that would make me cry . But every time I managed to shook off those thoughts , they came back to me a few seconds after . LaiLing aunt and Cuiling aunt kept talking to her , asking her if she wanted to drink anything , was she hungry , did she want to see ah fa uncle , could she last till my 2nd aunt comes back to see her . My aunts kept asking her if she wanna drink anything . At first , she shook her head , but because my aunts kept asking , she gave in and nodded her head . They put a straw inside a coke can , removed the oxygen mask slightly and let her suck . My parents didn't say anything , they just stood there , and see . My aunts even called her to try smiling . She forced a smile . Although it's a smile , 我们看了却是很心痛。
Lailing aunt told us that at a earlier time of the day , luelue aunt was still able to talk . When she asked lue lue aunt if she was able to wait until we come back to visit her , she nodded her head . But when she asked was she able to wait till my second aunt comes back to visit her , she replied ," I don't know" My 2nd aunt intended to come back on 29 June night . But I think my other aunts kept calling her that luelue aunt cmi already , then she decided to come back that morning . By the time she reached , it was already 8-9pm . Too late ..
I got a cousin , who is 7 years old . We called her ah girl . When everyone was in the room crying , she asked her mum ,"为什么他们全部都在哭的？" Clearly, she didn't know what was going on .
A lot of relatives came to see my aunt . For a period of time , I stayed by my aunt side , warming and massaging her hands and legs . Her hands and legs were cold , and skinny . That was the time when I stopped crying and was able to control my emotions . When I was helping her to massage , she was still able to change the position of her hands and legs once in awhile. But slowly, she began to fall in deep sleep . When Lailing aunt told her blah blah blah came to visit , she no longer replied , no longer tried hard to open her eyes for a second to see them . Ah Fa uncle told us to let her go slowly , don't call her , don't disturb her , just let her go . My heart turned cold .
When my aunt was still conscious , my grandmother was crying until ... ... (no words to describe) besides her . And of cos , she made us all cried also .
From able to drink and talk , to nodding of head , to unable to suck from a straw , to no longer open her eyes big for a second , to no longer move , no longer respond , all within a few hours .. It was too fast .
After some time , I passed the job to someone else , and I went out of the room . Ah fa uncle gathered some people to choose her 遗照. I looked over to their directions and I saw a few photos of luelue aunt smiling cheerfully . Those photos were taken last year . After I saw the photos , I went to the toilet , to cry . But not long after , I stabled my emotions and came out . I went out to sit on the sofa again , and I fell asleep for a moment . I was very very tired . My head was feeling heavy from trying very hard to control my tears . My dad woke me up to eat lunch . After eating and wandering around the house for awhile , I went back into the room . It was about 2:50pm I guessed . There was other people in the room . After a long time , someone finally went to touch her , and she said that luelue aunt was warm ! After confirming she was really warm , she went out to call others and everyone ran into the room and starting to call her name . Ah Fa uncle was by her side . Slowly , we saw her eyebrow twitched , and her fingers moving . I held my breathe . Her eyebrow twitched for the 2nd time and her eyes began to open until it was half opened. She also tried to raise her hand . I heard Lailing aunt saying “luelue，你睡醒了啊？” in Hakka . I mentioned previously that I stopped crying already , but at that point of time , I cried again . I thought she had really woken up from sleep . She was still conscious , she had woken up from her deep sleep . Just when my hopes had risen , it hits back hard on the ground . Real hard . At that time , only my big aunt was sober , she shouted, "luelue 走了” Suddenly , many people broke down . A few of my aunts and uncle was kneeing on the floor , crying . After her tears flowed down her cheeks and she 吐2口气 , she really passed away . Her face turned dead white . It was 3:00pm .
Not long after , all of us went out of the room . My dad went off to buy mahjong papers . My grandmother was crying until 哭天抢地 . My sis went to comfort her , but ended up crying together with her and trying to comfort her at the same time . And of cos , I was tearing non stop after stopping for awhile . After my dad came back , we got "off to work" . We have to cover up all the deities status , mirror and reflective glasses . I was the one distributing scotch tapes and I was trying to distract myself by doing that . After we covered everything , I sat in the living room and stoned , my grandmother had stopped crying . After some time , I found that my mood was very calm , very peaceful . My heart no longer felt like there was a heavy weight on it . The adults have already contacted the funeral planner and a few cousins and I were sitting around , talking and eating tarts that Lailing had bought .
That day was the only time I had a proper sleep . I was feeling okay until Cuiling aunt sent me a msg during Bcomm lesson at 11.26am
Cuiling Aunt: 你知道吗？你阿姑一直求医生要救她。好心疼，医生跟她说已经尽力了。
刚才？
Me: 她今天怎么样？还好吗？我看医生也真的没有办法了。
Cuiling Aunt: 她的氧气开到最大。她还是很辛苦，你阿婆刚才又打电话来哭。我跟他说尽量去医院看她能看几眼是几眼。她现在抽水都帮不到她了。
Me: 为什么抽水还是很难呼吸？阿婆还是一直不去医院看她？
Cuiling Aunt: 我叫她去，她昨天去一下子就回来了，抽不到水出来了。
When I saw the first msg , it felt like my heart really cramped together . 我也很心疼她, but there's no way I could help her .
Once I reached home after school , my mum told me that lailing aunt called , saying that the doctor could no longer suck out any water from her lungs . From the X-ray scan , it shown that the cancerous cells were blocking her windpipe so only little air could go into her lungs . I listened to my mum as if there was nothing much but it was killing me inside . It was at that time when I fully understand why lue lue aunt begged the doctor to save her . When the doctor could no longer do anything , she decided that she wanted to go home . Not long after I came home , my dad also came home from work , saying that he would be going back to Malaysia tonight . I asked if it was okay for me to go back with him . Initially , it was only my dad , sis and me going back . But after my dad confirmed that luelue aunt's condition was very critical , my dad decided that my whole family should go back . And also initially , Cuiling aunt wanted to go back on Wednesday night but after that , she decided to go back with us . When we were packing our luggage , my dad came into the room and said this
Dad: 阿姑还有散钱放在这里啊？
Sis: 有啊。这个*holding to the coin box*
Dad: 她说如果她走了，叫你们拿来分了它
-----------silent----------------
We went golden mile and took a coach bus back to Malaysia together . Same as the previous time , I didn't get a lot of sleep also .
29 June 2011 , Wednesday
This was the worst day in my life ever . Lailing aunt kept calling Cuiling aunt to ask if we were reaching soon . We reached at abt 5+am and LaiLing aunt came to fetch us to luelue aunt's house to see her . In the journey, lailing aunt told us that lue lue aunt was hungry , but she could not eat as the oxygen mask was irremovable . She relied on it to live . When walking towards the room , I was walking ahead initially . But when I was nearing her room , I turned and looked at the rest of my family members . I was kinda afraid to go in first , but in the end , I was the first to enter .
We stood around her and we called her "阿姑" . She looked very very sick and her eyes were half closed . Once I entered the room , I was trying extremely hard to hold back my tears . She looked very different as compared to the time I saw her few days ago . Much skinnier , much sicker , with an oxygen mask covered over her face . The contrast was too much !
Cuiling aunt sat at a chair by her side , held her hand and talked to her , asking if she's 辛苦，does she has any wishes not fulfil yet and some other stuff which I couldn't hear clearly cos she was crying when she said that . That was also the time when all of us burst out crying . I swear that my sis and bro were super irritating . They kept making that sniffing sound and I was super irritated because it made me felt like crying more . Even my dad was tearing too . At that moment , that kind of heartache was something I've never experience before and it made me felt like dying . I WOULD NEVER WANT TO GO THROUGH THAT ANYMORE . We knew that she was suffering a lot , but when we asked her if she was suffering and was it hurtful, she just shook her head . She couldn't even talk already . The replies she managed to give us were nodding her head , shaking her head and "em" . Although I was crying already , I still tried very hard to control myself , to shake away all those thoughts that would make me cry . But every time I managed to shook off those thoughts , they came back to me a few seconds after . LaiLing aunt and Cuiling aunt kept talking to her , asking her if she wanted to drink anything , was she hungry , did she want to see ah fa uncle , could she last till my 2nd aunt comes back to see her . My aunts kept asking her if she wanna drink anything . At first , she shook her head , but because my aunts kept asking , she gave in and nodded her head . They put a straw inside a coke can , removed the oxygen mask slightly and let her suck . My parents didn't say anything , they just stood there , and see . My aunts even called her to try smiling . She forced a smile . Although it's a smile , 我们看了却是很心痛。
Lailing aunt told us that at a earlier time of the day , luelue aunt was still able to talk . When she asked lue lue aunt if she was able to wait until we come back to visit her , she nodded her head . But when she asked was she able to wait till my second aunt comes back to visit her , she replied ," I don't know" My 2nd aunt intended to come back on 29 June night . But I think my other aunts kept calling her that luelue aunt cmi already , then she decided to come back that morning . By the time she reached , it was already 8-9pm . Too late ..
I got a cousin , who is 7 years old . We called her ah girl . When everyone was in the room crying , she asked her mum ,"为什么他们全部都在哭的？" Clearly, she didn't know what was going on .
A lot of relatives came to see my aunt . For a period of time , I stayed by my aunt side , warming and massaging her hands and legs . Her hands and legs were cold , and skinny . That was the time when I stopped crying and was able to control my emotions . When I was helping her to massage , she was still able to change the position of her hands and legs once in awhile. But slowly, she began to fall in deep sleep . When Lailing aunt told her blah blah blah came to visit , she no longer replied , no longer tried hard to open her eyes for a second to see them . Ah Fa uncle told us to let her go slowly , don't call her , don't disturb her , just let her go . My heart turned cold .
When my aunt was still conscious , my grandmother was crying until ... ... (no words to describe) besides her . And of cos , she made us all cried also .
From able to drink and talk , to nodding of head , to unable to suck from a straw , to no longer open her eyes big for a second , to no longer move , no longer respond , all within a few hours .. It was too fast .
After some time , I passed the job to someone else , and I went out of the room . Ah fa uncle gathered some people to choose her 遗照. I looked over to their directions and I saw a few photos of luelue aunt smiling cheerfully . Those photos were taken last year . After I saw the photos , I went to the toilet , to cry . But not long after , I stabled my emotions and came out . I went out to sit on the sofa again , and I fell asleep for a moment . I was very very tired . My head was feeling heavy from trying very hard to control my tears . My dad woke me up to eat lunch . After eating and wandering around the house for awhile , I went back into the room . It was about 2:50pm I guessed . There was other people in the room . After a long time , someone finally went to touch her , and she said that luelue aunt was warm ! After confirming she was really warm , she went out to call others and everyone ran into the room and starting to call her name . Ah Fa uncle was by her side . Slowly , we saw her eyebrow twitched , and her fingers moving . I held my breathe . Her eyebrow twitched for the 2nd time and her eyes began to open until it was half opened. She also tried to raise her hand . I heard Lailing aunt saying “luelue，你睡醒了啊？” in Hakka . I mentioned previously that I stopped crying already , but at that point of time , I cried again . I thought she had really woken up from sleep . She was still conscious , she had woken up from her deep sleep . Just when my hopes had risen , it hits back hard on the ground . Real hard . At that time , only my big aunt was sober , she shouted, "luelue 走了” Suddenly , many people broke down . A few of my aunts and uncle was kneeing on the floor , crying . After her tears flowed down her cheeks and she 吐2口气 , she really passed away . Her face turned dead white . It was 3:00pm .
Not long after , all of us went out of the room . My dad went off to buy mahjong papers . My grandmother was crying until 哭天抢地 . My sis went to comfort her , but ended up crying together with her and trying to comfort her at the same time . And of cos , I was tearing non stop after stopping for awhile . After my dad came back , we got "off to work" . We have to cover up all the deities status , mirror and reflective glasses . I was the one distributing scotch tapes and I was trying to distract myself by doing that . After we covered everything , I sat in the living room and stoned , my grandmother had stopped crying . After some time , I found that my mood was very calm , very peaceful . My heart no longer felt like there was a heavy weight on it . The adults have already contacted the funeral planner and a few cousins and I were sitting around , talking and eating tarts that Lailing had bought .
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
第一次尝到的痛苦
I want to write this down because I don't want to forget what had happened in the past few days .
On 24th June, Friday night, I went back Malaysia with my dad to visit luelue aunt as we were notified that my aunt's condition had worsen . She was admitted to the hospital a few days ago, but no one told my family until 23rd June, when her condition became worst. By the time we reached Malaysia, it was abt 7am (Sat, 25th June) in the morning. After eating our breakfast, I woke my cousin up to bring us to the hospital. By the time we reached, it was almost 9 am. As it was not the visiting hours, thus the security guard didn't allow all 3 of us to go up at the same time . Hence, my dad went up first , bringing the porridge my grandmother cooked with him . My cousin and I found a place to sit and wait . Not long after , Ah Fa Uncle (lue lue aunt's bf) came down calling us to go up and we were able to do so because the security guard went off to slack or something . Ah fa uncle went back to rest while we went up to accompany her . When I first saw her at the hospital , I was shocked . She became so skinny , even skinnier than that time I saw her during Chinese New Year .
We didn't have much to talk about . Just some words of concern here and there . We stood around for awhile until the nurse came to chase us off because the doctors were going to go around to check on the patients. Only 1 person were allowed to stay and that was me . My dad and cousin went off to eat . I had nothing to say at that time . I was afraid that things I say might be some insensitive things . She asked me if I need to work because it was weekend that day . I told her that I told my boss I'm not working . Somehow , I linked to telling her that my bro was selling toothbrushes previously . She also asked me about why my grandmother didn't go and visit her . For this question , I didn't know how to answer . My grandmother told people that she wanted to go but was not allowed to go and visit my aunt (because my other aunts and uncle were afraid that my grandmother couldn't take it), but when my dad asked if she was coming along with us when we went to get the porridge , she shook her head . After my aunt asked me that question , I paused for awhile and replied, "I don't know why she didn't get on the car just now when she said that she wanted to come."
I kept yawning when I was sitting on the chair besides her .
“很累啊？” She asked
“有一点，在bus上面没有什么睡到。” I replied.
I stood aside when the doctors were checking on her and when the nurses were washing her wounds . I used her phone to call my dad asking why they haven't come back after such a long time . I wanted my dad to come back as I was kinda scared . My dad told me that they were stuck . The security guard didn't allow them to come up . For a period of time I was by her side , she dozed off repeatedly for a few times until a nurse came to ask if she wanna eat . The time when she dozed off was quite scary . She was breathing very hard and it seemed very difficult for her to breathe . I was all alone and I was afraid that something might happen to her , like suddenly couldn't breathe . The thought of it made me even more afraid to be alone with her . I was scared that I couldn't help her .
I was alone with my aunt all the way until 12pm. 12pm- 2 pm is the hospital's visiting hours and my cousins, my dad, my youngest aunt came to the ward to visit my aunt once the clock struck 12. My aunt had difficulties talking , she panted when she talked , so most of the time she would listen to us talk unless we asked her questions . At about 1+pm, we leave the ward and went home after that . I was very tired , so the first thing I did when I reached home was sleep .
I woke up at about 2.45pm , feeling very tired . I went to the living room to check out where my dad was . The living room was empty , the door was locked . No one was in the house other than me . I went back to the room and continued lying on the bed until I felt more awake . After I was done washing up , my dad came home . It was about 3.30pm at that time . He brought me to the market and leave me there with my grandmother to eat lunch . After I finished my lunch , I went home with my grandmother and because I dropped my key , I went back to the market again to find . Luckily I managed to find it . At about 4+pm, we went to the hospital again . My dad , my aunt , 1 of my cousin and me .
Abit of chit-chat here and there and we leave the hospital at around 6 or 7 pm . My aunt , uncle , cousin , my dad and me went to eat at 冬菇亭。 We ordered a lot of food and shared , we managed to finish the food , but everyone was super full . We reached home at 9+pm . After bathing and everything , it was already 10+ pm. At about 11pm, cuiling，恩(cuiling aunt's daughter)， and my sis reached . By 12am , everyone had settled their things and went to sleep . It was about 2 am when lailing aunt called my phone . I was already searching frantically for my phone under my pillow before I regained conscious . 3 pairs of eyes (cuiling aunt, my sis and grandmother) were staring at me when I picked up the phone . Lailing aunt asked for Cuiling aunt over the phone , so I passed the phone to her . After Cuiling aunt hung up the phone , she told us that my lue lue aunt had difficulties breathing and the doctor had to suck out water from her lungs . Lailing aunt called us as she said ah fa uncle was afraid that my third aunt might ran out of breath in the midst of waiting for X-ray scanning and sucking out the water , thus maybe we would like to go to the hospital now to "standby" .
26June2011, Sunday
I went to the 2nd floor to wake my dad up and told him abt it . Everyone was rushing to brush up and when we were almost done , lailing aunt called again saying that luelue aunt was fine already as the doctors were done with sucking out the water in her lungs . But since we have woken up and everyone was ready to go , we decided to make a trip to the hospital , leaving 恩 and my grandmother at home . Throughout the time we were preparing , everyone was so uptight . When we were reaching the hospital , we were thinking of ways to get in as the security guard might not let all of us into the ward . Thus , we've decided to go in 1 by 1 . CuiLing aunt went in first , followed by my sis , then lailing aunt . My dad , lailing's aunt husband and me waited downstairs . My dad and lailing's aunt husband were talking about luelue aunt's condition for quite awhile until Lailing's aunt husband decided to go to the ward . After which my dad and I went in together with the aid of Ah fa uncle as the security guard remembered ah fa uncle . However , my dad and I didn't go into the ward to see luelue aunt . We stayed outside as too many people going into the ward might disturb others . We reached home at 4.40am
Next morning, my sis and I woke up at 10+pm . By the time we woke up , Cuiling aunt, 恩 and my dad were already back from breakfast , so my dad decided to send them to the hospital first while my sis and I went to have our breakfast . On the way home , my sis saw ah may jie's family and went off with them while I went home with my grandmother . My dad came home not long after that and was bringing 恩 with him . He said that security guard only allowed one person to be inside . There is no exception for kids also . It was near 11.30am at that time , so my dad took a short break , and brought us to the hospital again , with my 叔叔and 婶婶this time . By the time we reached the hospital , it was past 12pm and all of us were able to get in . We stood around and soon , more and more of our relatives came to visit my aunt . We stayed in the hospital until past 2 pm and went to eat at 大树头 after that . After eating , we went to Ipoh parade to meet my 2nd aunt and family to buy an electric fan and lunch box for lue lue aunt as the hospital is always very warm in the afternoon .
After buying , we went back to the hospital again . I didn't have the mood to go to the hospital again as I was having cramps at that time . I wanted to go home , but no choice . Everyone wanted to go to the hospital again . I just gave that "very sian" face throughout the whole time until the cramp was no longer bothering me . We accompanied my aunt until past 7pm then the whole big bunch of us went to eat 豆芽鸡 and 河粉 , ipoh's popular dishes .
Most of us were coming back to Singapore on Sunday night , same goes to my dad and I . As we reached home at about 8+pm , we only have abt 1 hour to prepare before we get on the coach bus . When it was my turn to bathe , I saw a big rat ran across the ceiling of the bathroom and it gave me a big scare . I didn't dare to bathe after that so I forced my dad to bring me to my lue lue aunt's house to bathe instead . At 10pm , we boarded the coach bus back to Singapore
At first I thought of staying in Malaysia until Monday , but I found it very stressful to stay there . I'm afraid of another call in the midnight saying that my aunt cmi anymore .
I reached Singapore at about 5+ am and could only sleep for 2 hours before going to school . But even after I came back to Singapore , I wasn't very focus on my work too . I kept thinking about her and the thought of her dying really kills me . Everyday , I smsed Cuiling aunt to ask about her condition and the things Cuiling aunt told me made my heartache .
This was what I asked her on 27/6/2011 , Monday
Me: 阿姑今天还好吧？
Cuiling Aunt: 比昨天还惨，很烦哪，她前天才抽水而已，今天又很辛苦了，而且晚上阿发uncle也不可以留在那边。有人投诉。怕她半夜出事而已。等下又要抽了，时间越来越短了。
Me: 有人投诉所以不能留在那里？
Cuiling Aunt: 因为那个是女人病房，男人晚上不能留在那里，他们就是不会看情况的，万一没有人她呼吸不到怎么办呢！
Me: 那怎么办？今晚真的留她自己一个人？
Cuiling Aunt: 哪里会放心， uncle 就辛苦咯， 在carpark 睡一直上去看。如果我们一直不够睡都受不了，何况他又生病了，哎，他说如果不可以的话叫她叫护士来问题是她呼吸不到哪里有力气叫他们？她根本都不能动一下。她一动就一直喘，我看她一直挣扎有时候她都想放弃了，是我们不舍得。
On that day , I really hoped that she could last till August , my holiday , so that I could go back Malaysia to accompany her . But my aunt told me that for her condition , it was very difficult for her to last till August . After I saw that msg , I was very upset , but I knew that that was true , unless miracle happens .
On 24th June, Friday night, I went back Malaysia with my dad to visit luelue aunt as we were notified that my aunt's condition had worsen . She was admitted to the hospital a few days ago, but no one told my family until 23rd June, when her condition became worst. By the time we reached Malaysia, it was abt 7am (Sat, 25th June) in the morning. After eating our breakfast, I woke my cousin up to bring us to the hospital. By the time we reached, it was almost 9 am. As it was not the visiting hours, thus the security guard didn't allow all 3 of us to go up at the same time . Hence, my dad went up first , bringing the porridge my grandmother cooked with him . My cousin and I found a place to sit and wait . Not long after , Ah Fa Uncle (lue lue aunt's bf) came down calling us to go up and we were able to do so because the security guard went off to slack or something . Ah fa uncle went back to rest while we went up to accompany her . When I first saw her at the hospital , I was shocked . She became so skinny , even skinnier than that time I saw her during Chinese New Year .
We didn't have much to talk about . Just some words of concern here and there . We stood around for awhile until the nurse came to chase us off because the doctors were going to go around to check on the patients. Only 1 person were allowed to stay and that was me . My dad and cousin went off to eat . I had nothing to say at that time . I was afraid that things I say might be some insensitive things . She asked me if I need to work because it was weekend that day . I told her that I told my boss I'm not working . Somehow , I linked to telling her that my bro was selling toothbrushes previously . She also asked me about why my grandmother didn't go and visit her . For this question , I didn't know how to answer . My grandmother told people that she wanted to go but was not allowed to go and visit my aunt (because my other aunts and uncle were afraid that my grandmother couldn't take it), but when my dad asked if she was coming along with us when we went to get the porridge , she shook her head . After my aunt asked me that question , I paused for awhile and replied, "I don't know why she didn't get on the car just now when she said that she wanted to come."
I kept yawning when I was sitting on the chair besides her .
“很累啊？” She asked
“有一点，在bus上面没有什么睡到。” I replied.
I stood aside when the doctors were checking on her and when the nurses were washing her wounds . I used her phone to call my dad asking why they haven't come back after such a long time . I wanted my dad to come back as I was kinda scared . My dad told me that they were stuck . The security guard didn't allow them to come up . For a period of time I was by her side , she dozed off repeatedly for a few times until a nurse came to ask if she wanna eat . The time when she dozed off was quite scary . She was breathing very hard and it seemed very difficult for her to breathe . I was all alone and I was afraid that something might happen to her , like suddenly couldn't breathe . The thought of it made me even more afraid to be alone with her . I was scared that I couldn't help her .
I was alone with my aunt all the way until 12pm. 12pm- 2 pm is the hospital's visiting hours and my cousins, my dad, my youngest aunt came to the ward to visit my aunt once the clock struck 12. My aunt had difficulties talking , she panted when she talked , so most of the time she would listen to us talk unless we asked her questions . At about 1+pm, we leave the ward and went home after that . I was very tired , so the first thing I did when I reached home was sleep .
I woke up at about 2.45pm , feeling very tired . I went to the living room to check out where my dad was . The living room was empty , the door was locked . No one was in the house other than me . I went back to the room and continued lying on the bed until I felt more awake . After I was done washing up , my dad came home . It was about 3.30pm at that time . He brought me to the market and leave me there with my grandmother to eat lunch . After I finished my lunch , I went home with my grandmother and because I dropped my key , I went back to the market again to find . Luckily I managed to find it . At about 4+pm, we went to the hospital again . My dad , my aunt , 1 of my cousin and me .
Abit of chit-chat here and there and we leave the hospital at around 6 or 7 pm . My aunt , uncle , cousin , my dad and me went to eat at 冬菇亭。 We ordered a lot of food and shared , we managed to finish the food , but everyone was super full . We reached home at 9+pm . After bathing and everything , it was already 10+ pm. At about 11pm, cuiling，恩(cuiling aunt's daughter)， and my sis reached . By 12am , everyone had settled their things and went to sleep . It was about 2 am when lailing aunt called my phone . I was already searching frantically for my phone under my pillow before I regained conscious . 3 pairs of eyes (cuiling aunt, my sis and grandmother) were staring at me when I picked up the phone . Lailing aunt asked for Cuiling aunt over the phone , so I passed the phone to her . After Cuiling aunt hung up the phone , she told us that my lue lue aunt had difficulties breathing and the doctor had to suck out water from her lungs . Lailing aunt called us as she said ah fa uncle was afraid that my third aunt might ran out of breath in the midst of waiting for X-ray scanning and sucking out the water , thus maybe we would like to go to the hospital now to "standby" .
26June2011, Sunday
I went to the 2nd floor to wake my dad up and told him abt it . Everyone was rushing to brush up and when we were almost done , lailing aunt called again saying that luelue aunt was fine already as the doctors were done with sucking out the water in her lungs . But since we have woken up and everyone was ready to go , we decided to make a trip to the hospital , leaving 恩 and my grandmother at home . Throughout the time we were preparing , everyone was so uptight . When we were reaching the hospital , we were thinking of ways to get in as the security guard might not let all of us into the ward . Thus , we've decided to go in 1 by 1 . CuiLing aunt went in first , followed by my sis , then lailing aunt . My dad , lailing's aunt husband and me waited downstairs . My dad and lailing's aunt husband were talking about luelue aunt's condition for quite awhile until Lailing's aunt husband decided to go to the ward . After which my dad and I went in together with the aid of Ah fa uncle as the security guard remembered ah fa uncle . However , my dad and I didn't go into the ward to see luelue aunt . We stayed outside as too many people going into the ward might disturb others . We reached home at 4.40am
Next morning, my sis and I woke up at 10+pm . By the time we woke up , Cuiling aunt, 恩 and my dad were already back from breakfast , so my dad decided to send them to the hospital first while my sis and I went to have our breakfast . On the way home , my sis saw ah may jie's family and went off with them while I went home with my grandmother . My dad came home not long after that and was bringing 恩 with him . He said that security guard only allowed one person to be inside . There is no exception for kids also . It was near 11.30am at that time , so my dad took a short break , and brought us to the hospital again , with my 叔叔and 婶婶this time . By the time we reached the hospital , it was past 12pm and all of us were able to get in . We stood around and soon , more and more of our relatives came to visit my aunt . We stayed in the hospital until past 2 pm and went to eat at 大树头 after that . After eating , we went to Ipoh parade to meet my 2nd aunt and family to buy an electric fan and lunch box for lue lue aunt as the hospital is always very warm in the afternoon .
After buying , we went back to the hospital again . I didn't have the mood to go to the hospital again as I was having cramps at that time . I wanted to go home , but no choice . Everyone wanted to go to the hospital again . I just gave that "very sian" face throughout the whole time until the cramp was no longer bothering me . We accompanied my aunt until past 7pm then the whole big bunch of us went to eat 豆芽鸡 and 河粉 , ipoh's popular dishes .
Most of us were coming back to Singapore on Sunday night , same goes to my dad and I . As we reached home at about 8+pm , we only have abt 1 hour to prepare before we get on the coach bus . When it was my turn to bathe , I saw a big rat ran across the ceiling of the bathroom and it gave me a big scare . I didn't dare to bathe after that so I forced my dad to bring me to my lue lue aunt's house to bathe instead . At 10pm , we boarded the coach bus back to Singapore
At first I thought of staying in Malaysia until Monday , but I found it very stressful to stay there . I'm afraid of another call in the midnight saying that my aunt cmi anymore .
I reached Singapore at about 5+ am and could only sleep for 2 hours before going to school . But even after I came back to Singapore , I wasn't very focus on my work too . I kept thinking about her and the thought of her dying really kills me . Everyday , I smsed Cuiling aunt to ask about her condition and the things Cuiling aunt told me made my heartache .
This was what I asked her on 27/6/2011 , Monday
Me: 阿姑今天还好吧？
Cuiling Aunt: 比昨天还惨，很烦哪，她前天才抽水而已，今天又很辛苦了，而且晚上阿发uncle也不可以留在那边。有人投诉。怕她半夜出事而已。等下又要抽了，时间越来越短了。
Me: 有人投诉所以不能留在那里？
Cuiling Aunt: 因为那个是女人病房，男人晚上不能留在那里，他们就是不会看情况的，万一没有人她呼吸不到怎么办呢！
Me: 那怎么办？今晚真的留她自己一个人？
Cuiling Aunt: 哪里会放心， uncle 就辛苦咯， 在carpark 睡一直上去看。如果我们一直不够睡都受不了，何况他又生病了，哎，他说如果不可以的话叫她叫护士来问题是她呼吸不到哪里有力气叫他们？她根本都不能动一下。她一动就一直喘，我看她一直挣扎有时候她都想放弃了，是我们不舍得。
On that day , I really hoped that she could last till August , my holiday , so that I could go back Malaysia to accompany her . But my aunt told me that for her condition , it was very difficult for her to last till August . After I saw that msg , I was very upset , but I knew that that was true , unless miracle happens .
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