第一次尝到的痛苦

I want to write this down because I don't want to forget what had happened in the past few days .

On 24th June, Friday night, I went back Malaysia with my dad to visit luelue aunt as we were notified that my aunt's condition had worsen . She was admitted to the hospital a few days ago, but no one told my family until 23rd June, when her condition became worst. By the time we reached Malaysia, it was abt 7am (Sat, 25th June) in the morning. After eating our breakfast, I woke my cousin up to bring us to the hospital. By the time we reached, it was almost 9 am. As it was not the visiting hours, thus the security guard didn't allow all 3 of us to go up at the same time . Hence, my dad went up first , bringing the porridge my grandmother cooked with him . My cousin and I found a place to sit and wait . Not long after , Ah Fa Uncle (lue lue aunt's bf) came down calling us to go up and we were able to do so because the security guard went off to slack or something . Ah fa uncle went back to rest while we went up to accompany her . When I first saw her at the hospital , I was shocked . She became so skinny , even skinnier than that time I saw her during Chinese New Year .

We didn't have much to talk about . Just some words of concern here and there . We stood around for awhile until the nurse came to chase us off because the doctors were going to go around to check on the patients. Only 1 person were allowed to stay and that was me . My dad and cousin went off to eat . I had nothing to say at that time . I was afraid that things I say might be some insensitive things . She asked me if I need to work because it was weekend that day . I told her that I told my boss I'm not working . Somehow , I linked to telling her that my bro was selling toothbrushes previously . She also asked me about why my grandmother didn't go and visit her . For this question , I didn't know how to answer . My grandmother told people that she wanted to go but was not allowed to go and visit my aunt (because my other aunts and uncle were afraid that my grandmother couldn't take it), but when my dad asked if she was coming along with us when we went to get the porridge , she shook her head . After my aunt asked me that question , I paused for awhile and replied, "I don't know why she didn't get on the car just now when she said that she wanted to come."

I kept yawning when I was sitting on the chair besides her .
“很累啊？” She asked
“有一点，在bus上面没有什么睡到。” I replied.

I stood aside when the doctors were checking on her and when the nurses were washing her wounds . I used her phone to call my dad asking why they haven't come back after such a long time . I wanted my dad to come back as I was kinda scared . My dad told me that they were stuck . The security guard didn't allow them to come up . For a period of time I was by her side , she dozed off repeatedly for a few times until a nurse came to ask if she wanna eat . The time when she dozed off was quite scary . She was breathing very hard and it seemed very difficult for her to breathe . I was all alone and I was afraid that something might happen to her , like suddenly couldn't breathe . The thought of it made me even more afraid to be alone with her . I was scared that I couldn't help her .

I was alone with my aunt all the way until 12pm. 12pm- 2 pm is the hospital's visiting hours and my cousins, my dad, my youngest aunt came to the ward to visit my aunt once the clock struck 12. My aunt had difficulties talking , she panted when she talked , so most of the time she would listen to us talk unless we asked her questions . At about 1+pm, we leave the ward and went home after that . I was very tired , so the first thing I did when I reached home was sleep .

I woke up at about 2.45pm , feeling very tired . I went to the living room to check out where my dad was . The living room was empty , the door was locked . No one was in the house other than me . I went back to the room and continued lying on the bed until I felt more awake . After I was done washing up , my dad came home . It was about 3.30pm at that time . He brought me to the market and leave me there with my grandmother to eat lunch . After I finished my lunch , I went home with my grandmother and because I dropped my key , I went back to the market again to find . Luckily I managed to find it . At about 4+pm, we went to the hospital again . My dad , my aunt , 1 of my cousin and me .

Abit of chit-chat here and there and we leave the hospital at around 6 or 7 pm . My aunt , uncle , cousin , my dad and me went to eat at 冬菇亭。 We ordered a lot of food and shared , we managed to finish the food , but everyone was super full . We reached home at 9+pm . After bathing and everything , it was already 10+ pm. At about 11pm, cuiling，恩(cuiling aunt's daughter)， and my sis reached . By 12am , everyone had settled their things and went to sleep . It was about 2 am when lailing aunt called my phone . I was already searching frantically for my phone under my pillow before I regained conscious . 3 pairs of eyes (cuiling aunt, my sis and grandmother) were staring at me when I picked up the phone . Lailing aunt asked for Cuiling aunt over the phone , so I passed the phone to her . After Cuiling aunt hung up the phone , she told us that my lue lue aunt had difficulties breathing and the doctor had to suck out water from her lungs . Lailing aunt called us as she said ah fa uncle was afraid that my third aunt might ran out of breath in the midst of waiting for X-ray scanning and sucking out the water , thus maybe we would like to go to the hospital now to "standby" .

26June2011, Sunday

I went to the 2nd floor to wake my dad up and told him abt it . Everyone was rushing to brush up and when we were almost done , lailing aunt called again saying that luelue aunt was fine already as the doctors were done with sucking out the water in her lungs . But since we have woken up and everyone was ready to go , we decided to make a trip to the hospital , leaving 恩 and my grandmother at home . Throughout the time we were preparing , everyone was so uptight . When we were reaching the hospital , we were thinking of ways to get in as the security guard might not let all of us into the ward . Thus , we've decided to go in 1 by 1 . CuiLing aunt went in first , followed by my sis , then lailing aunt . My dad , lailing's aunt husband and me waited downstairs . My dad and lailing's aunt husband were talking about luelue aunt's condition for quite awhile until Lailing's aunt husband decided to go to the ward . After which my dad and I went in together with the aid of Ah fa uncle as the security guard remembered ah fa uncle . However , my dad and I didn't go into the ward to see luelue aunt . We stayed outside as too many people going into the ward might disturb others . We reached home at 4.40am

Next morning, my sis and I woke up at 10+pm . By the time we woke up , Cuiling aunt, 恩 and my dad were already back from breakfast , so my dad decided to send them to the hospital first while my sis and I went to have our breakfast . On the way home , my sis saw ah may jie's family and went off with them while I went home with my grandmother . My dad came home not long after that and was bringing 恩 with him . He said that security guard only allowed one person to be inside . There is no exception for kids also . It was near 11.30am at that time , so my dad took a short break , and brought us to the hospital again , with my 叔叔and 婶婶this time . By the time we reached the hospital , it was past 12pm and all of us were able to get in . We stood around and soon , more and more of our relatives came to visit my aunt . We stayed in the hospital until past 2 pm and went to eat at 大树头 after that . After eating , we went to Ipoh parade to meet my 2nd aunt and family to buy an electric fan and lunch box for lue lue aunt as the hospital is always very warm in the afternoon .

After buying , we went back to the hospital again . I didn't have the mood to go to the hospital again as I was having cramps at that time . I wanted to go home , but no choice . Everyone wanted to go to the hospital again . I just gave that "very sian" face throughout the whole time until the cramp was no longer bothering me . We accompanied my aunt until past 7pm then the whole big bunch of us went to eat 豆芽鸡 and 河粉 , ipoh's popular dishes .

Most of us were coming back to Singapore on Sunday night , same goes to my dad and I . As we reached home at about 8+pm , we only have abt 1 hour to prepare before we get on the coach bus . When it was my turn to bathe , I saw a big rat ran across the ceiling of the bathroom and it gave me a big scare . I didn't dare to bathe after that so I forced my dad to bring me to my lue lue aunt's house to bathe instead . At 10pm , we boarded the coach bus back to Singapore

At first I thought of staying in Malaysia until Monday , but I found it very stressful to stay there . I'm afraid of another call in the midnight saying that my aunt cmi anymore .

I reached Singapore at about 5+ am and could only sleep for 2 hours before going to school . But even after I came back to Singapore , I wasn't very focus on my work too . I kept thinking about her and the thought of her dying really kills me . Everyday , I smsed Cuiling aunt to ask about her condition and the things Cuiling aunt told me made my heartache .

This was what I asked her on 27/6/2011 , Monday
Me: 阿姑今天还好吧？
Cuiling Aunt: 比昨天还惨，很烦哪，她前天才抽水而已，今天又很辛苦了，而且晚上阿发uncle也不可以留在那边。有人投诉。怕她半夜出事而已。等下又要抽了，时间越来越短了。
Me: 有人投诉所以不能留在那里？
Cuiling Aunt: 因为那个是女人病房，男人晚上不能留在那里，他们就是不会看情况的，万一没有人她呼吸不到怎么办呢！
Me: 那怎么办？今晚真的留她自己一个人？
Cuiling Aunt: 哪里会放心， uncle 就辛苦咯， 在carpark 睡一直上去看。如果我们一直不够睡都受不了，何况他又生病了，哎，他说如果不可以的话叫她叫护士来问题是她呼吸不到哪里有力气叫他们？她根本都不能动一下。她一动就一直喘，我看她一直挣扎有时候她都想放弃了，是我们不舍得。
On that day , I really hoped that she could last till August , my holiday , so that I could go back Malaysia to accompany her . But my aunt told me that for her condition , it was very difficult for her to last till August . After I saw that msg , I was very upset , but I knew that that was true , unless miracle happens .