Crying day

28 June 2011 , Tuesday
That day was the only time I had a proper sleep . I was feeling okay until Cuiling aunt sent me a msg during Bcomm lesson at 11.26am

Cuiling Aunt: 你知道吗？你阿姑一直求医生要救她。好心疼，医生跟她说已经尽力了。
刚才？
Me: 她今天怎么样？还好吗？我看医生也真的没有办法了。
Cuiling Aunt: 她的氧气开到最大。她还是很辛苦，你阿婆刚才又打电话来哭。我跟他说尽量去医院看她能看几眼是几眼。她现在抽水都帮不到她了。
Me: 为什么抽水还是很难呼吸？阿婆还是一直不去医院看她？
Cuiling Aunt: 我叫她去，她昨天去一下子就回来了，抽不到水出来了。

When I saw the first msg , it felt like my heart really cramped together . 我也很心疼她, but there's no way I could help her .

Once I reached home after school , my mum told me that lailing aunt called , saying that the doctor could no longer suck out any water from her lungs . From the X-ray scan , it shown that the cancerous cells were blocking her windpipe so only little air could go into her lungs . I listened to my mum as if there was nothing much but it was killing me inside . It was at that time when I fully understand why lue lue aunt begged the doctor to save her . When the doctor could no longer do anything , she decided that she wanted to go home . Not long after I came home , my dad also came home from work , saying that he would be going back to Malaysia tonight . I asked if it was okay for me to go back with him . Initially , it was only my dad , sis and me going back . But after my dad confirmed that luelue aunt's condition was very critical , my dad decided that my whole family should go back . And also initially , Cuiling aunt wanted to go back on Wednesday night but after that , she decided to go back with us . When we were packing our luggage , my dad came into the room and said this

Dad: 阿姑还有散钱放在这里啊？
Sis: 有啊。这个*holding to the coin box*
Dad: 她说如果她走了，叫你们拿来分了它
-----------silent----------------

We went golden mile and took a coach bus back to Malaysia together . Same as the previous time , I didn't get a lot of sleep also .

29 June 2011 , Wednesday
This was the worst day in my life ever . Lailing aunt kept calling Cuiling aunt to ask if we were reaching soon . We reached at abt 5+am and LaiLing aunt came to fetch us to luelue aunt's house to see her . In the journey, lailing aunt told us that lue lue aunt was hungry , but she could not eat as the oxygen mask was irremovable . She relied on it to live . When walking towards the room , I was walking ahead initially . But when I was nearing her room , I turned and looked at the rest of my family members . I was kinda afraid to go in first , but in the end , I was the first to enter .

We stood around her and we called her "阿姑" . She looked very very sick and her eyes were half closed . Once I entered the room , I was trying extremely hard to hold back my tears . She looked very different as compared to the time I saw her few days ago . Much skinnier , much sicker , with an oxygen mask covered over her face . The contrast was too much !

Cuiling aunt sat at a chair by her side , held her hand and talked to her , asking if she's 辛苦，does she has any wishes not fulfil yet and some other stuff which I couldn't hear clearly cos she was crying when she said that . That was also the time when all of us burst out crying . I swear that my sis and bro were super irritating . They kept making that sniffing sound and I was super irritated because it made me felt like crying more . Even my dad was tearing too . At that moment , that kind of heartache was something I've never experience before and it made me felt like dying . I WOULD NEVER WANT TO GO THROUGH THAT ANYMORE . We knew that she was suffering a lot , but when we asked her if she was suffering and was it hurtful, she just shook her head . She couldn't even talk already . The replies she managed to give us were nodding her head , shaking her head and "em" . Although I was crying already , I still tried very hard to control myself , to shake away all those thoughts that would make me cry . But every time I managed to shook off those thoughts , they came back to me a few seconds after . LaiLing aunt and Cuiling aunt kept talking to her , asking her if she wanted to drink anything , was she hungry , did she want to see ah fa uncle , could she last till my 2nd aunt comes back to see her . My aunts kept asking her if she wanna drink anything . At first , she shook her head , but because my aunts kept asking , she gave in and nodded her head . They put a straw inside a coke can , removed the oxygen mask slightly and let her suck . My parents didn't say anything , they just stood there , and see . My aunts even called her to try smiling . She forced a smile . Although it's a smile , 我们看了却是很心痛。

Lailing aunt told us that at a earlier time of the day , luelue aunt was still able to talk . When she asked lue lue aunt if she was able to wait until we come back to visit her , she nodded her head . But when she asked was she able to wait till my second aunt comes back to visit her , she replied ," I don't know" My 2nd aunt intended to come back on 29 June night . But I think my other aunts kept calling her that luelue aunt cmi already , then she decided to come back that morning . By the time she reached , it was already 8-9pm . Too late ..

I got a cousin , who is 7 years old . We called her ah girl . When everyone was in the room crying , she asked her mum ,"为什么他们全部都在哭的？" Clearly, she didn't know what was going on .

A lot of relatives came to see my aunt . For a period of time , I stayed by my aunt side , warming and massaging her hands and legs . Her hands and legs were cold , and skinny . That was the time when I stopped crying and was able to control my emotions . When I was helping her to massage , she was still able to change the position of her hands and legs once in awhile. But slowly, she began to fall in deep sleep . When Lailing aunt told her blah blah blah came to visit , she no longer replied , no longer tried hard to open her eyes for a second to see them . Ah Fa uncle told us to let her go slowly , don't call her , don't disturb her , just let her go . My heart turned cold .

When my aunt was still conscious , my grandmother was crying until ... ... (no words to describe) besides her . And of cos , she made us all cried also .

From able to drink and talk , to nodding of head , to unable to suck from a straw , to no longer open her eyes big for a second , to no longer move , no longer respond , all within a few hours .. It was too fast .

After some time , I passed the job to someone else , and I went out of the room . Ah fa uncle gathered some people to choose her 遗照. I looked over to their directions and I saw a few photos of luelue aunt smiling cheerfully . Those photos were taken last year . After I saw the photos , I went to the toilet , to cry . But not long after , I stabled my emotions and came out . I went out to sit on the sofa again , and I fell asleep for a moment . I was very very tired . My head was feeling heavy from trying very hard to control my tears . My dad woke me up to eat lunch . After eating and wandering around the house for awhile , I went back into the room . It was about 2:50pm I guessed . There was other people in the room . After a long time , someone finally went to touch her , and she said that luelue aunt was warm ! After confirming she was really warm , she went out to call others and everyone ran into the room and starting to call her name . Ah Fa uncle was by her side . Slowly , we saw her eyebrow twitched , and her fingers moving . I held my breathe . Her eyebrow twitched for the 2nd time and her eyes began to open until it was half opened. She also tried to raise her hand . I heard Lailing aunt saying “luelue，你睡醒了啊？” in Hakka . I mentioned previously that I stopped crying already , but at that point of time , I cried again . I thought she had really woken up from sleep . She was still conscious , she had woken up from her deep sleep . Just when my hopes had risen , it hits back hard on the ground . Real hard . At that time , only my big aunt was sober , she shouted, "luelue 走了”　Suddenly , many people broke down . A few of my aunts and uncle was kneeing on the floor , crying . After her tears flowed down her cheeks and she 吐2口气 , she really passed away . Her face turned dead white . It was 3:00pm .

Not long after , all of us went out of the room . My dad went off to buy mahjong papers . My grandmother was crying until 哭天抢地 . My sis went to comfort her , but ended up crying together with her and trying to comfort her at the same time . And of cos , I was tearing non stop after stopping for awhile . After my dad came back , we got "off to work" . We have to cover up all the deities status , mirror and reflective glasses . I was the one distributing scotch tapes and I was trying to distract myself by doing that . After we covered everything , I sat in the living room and stoned , my grandmother had stopped crying . After some time , I found that my mood was very calm , very peaceful . My heart no longer felt like there was a heavy weight on it . The adults have already contacted the funeral planner and a few cousins and I were sitting around , talking and eating tarts that Lailing had bought .